Friday, November 8, 2013

Thor Movie Review

My notes in chronological order during the film.

THOR review:

Unlikely group of storm chasers find strange night tornado? Which is actually a birth canal to poop out
Thor I think..

Then zapped into "fantasy world scenes after credits roll". The fantasy scenes are very basic CG. And plastic like props...VERY plastic like props.
Perhaps change of lighting could have solved this?

Lot's and Lot's of face shots and single upper torso shots and cut aways to distract from the...plastic...

Did Thor practice before owning the Hammer? Because as soon as he has it, he does all kinds of advanced moves.

After Thor gets banned from his world for being Thor. He goes to Earth where gets hit by the people in the intro. This includes Natalie Portman, and her friend
who is as brainless as brainless gets. Her dialog consists of "I hope he doesn't need CPR, I soooo don't know how to do CPR" - "Hey look, he's fine, let's go"..- This, I guess
Is to balance Natalie. She is in a plastic like film and to keep her role "serious", they need some one x10 dumber to get a basic act to hook the audience. This is evident when she
does that "look into his eyes at first glance and fall in love" look. We now know there is going to be themes of romance and protection in the future of the remaining time of this film.

Another Hollywood trick that is being used is that "smarter than you" as the next scenes are Natalie in the office at work with her team. Her sidekick friend does not understand Natalie as she
speaks philosophical babel at her computer. So we spend 5 min in scene showing "Natalie smart, computer, big words, others dumber, not understanding." There is an older man in the group, but they want
Natalie to take the lead and she calls boss like commands: "WE are doing this, going here"...The guy sort of seconds guesses, gets put in his place, then sort of stares off to reflect on the logic / confidence of this all...
Just agrees and goes on with it...Ok.

Thor is shirt less in front of the girls in 36 minutes of the film. Natalie gets to tell us she had an Ex boyfriend. Looks like some one going to be playing with Thor's Hammer by the films 50 min. Mark...

Thor eats like he has the munchies. Does being big and muscular mean eating like a pig? His culture throws cups on the grounds. HE comes from a hi sci-fi land filled with magic and sophisticated buildings and technology, but they kept
medieval cultural traits? Is this like Klingons? Was this in the comics? I never read the comics, or is this just a "he is man, so he grunts and farts in public too".

Natalie and team parts with Thor thinking he is "dangerous". He kisses Natalie's hand. Natalie gets all hot and bothered, even takes the time to look back twice...Another Hollywood "fall in love with the bod first. Discover his personality later".
Other than that there was no chemistry or connection between why is she falling for him?? Oh yeah..dem abs!

51 min. In, Natalie in a car picking up Thor is the basis of the film. She hits him Twice, and third time it is successful. She picks him up and drives off alone in the desert together. Where Thor uses modern world language of "are you strange in a good strange or bad strange way?"
Meanwhile, his friends and people are shown on their planet speaking all fantasy middle age like: "Thoust wish shall summon forth thy will"... So I guess the tornado poop Thor
either adapts to the current vernacular at a super rate of speed or...the director thinks you are all mush for brains.

Thor is immortal I believe in the comic. He got hit a few times by car and lives. So when he invades the military camp to take his hammer...There is 0 suspense. Why would we care what the military is going to throw this guy after the first scenes of violence. There is a suspenseful part when he can not take his hammer.
He must of lost his powers so...Now we can think perhaps he can be killed as well?

Natalie portmans script and act is so bad. She sounds like a winy teen. Her facial expressions look like she is taking a poo.The emotional output of this film so far is "Flirt - glossy intellectual discussions - dash of barbarism - flirt valley girl talk - fantasy lore speak - Hierarchy politics - military rank and order conspiracies 

(Natalies "squeezing one out" acting face)

Cars, hammers, etc.. It feels like they are trying to put to many elements in to many themes in one go. Noting that the Earth is a prison planet to store Thor kind of a sub theme not really explained just sort of excepted. The fact Humans history is the only thing to unstuck Thor's hammer in the ground is another question posing deal they could have focused on.
Not these corny one line dialog by the military: "He is some kind of a fitness nut" "Why does all our research not explain this (wait the government was pre researching Thor's homeland?? Do I need to read comics to understand the connection??).
  I would have preferred a movie that flashes back to Thors history on his planet as he struggles to get out of Earth Prison, but makes emotional links during his stay and sacrifices something to save humanity based on emotions...We don't use acting now. We use one liners from bad scripts (that sound like those bad sci fi films of the 50"s) and splash in special effects.
I will give the film this. The special effects are not to abused in the body of the film. It is basic chit chat and real props.
 However, these out of special effects moments are the bad bad acting / Script / plot less events, etc... SIGH.
Gotta love a film that gives men beers at the bar after ordering "Two Boiler makers".

70 min in, on the fantasy side of the story, they throw around Asgard allot, but we only know it is the home world of the "good guys". And yet we had about 4 Major Graphical representations of it. Getting us to fall in love with it would have been Endor...No one wants Darth Vader to blow up Endor! Why? Because we spent time as a protagonist in it. In this film we spend time watching people
in plastic suits barf out one line dialog. "He was your king. You obey me now." Derp derp a lerp.

For a super human story. We have passed 80 minutes so far of Thor eating breakfast. Drinking beer. Flirting. 1 fist fight. Then it turns to Man of Steel level bad when Thor's friends come to earth in full costume and walk through town.
Just to sum up 80 mins in. We have Natalie's team with Thor Vs. Government. - Thor vs. brother/friend. - Thor's friends vs. Brother friend. - Brother friend and his army vs. military and Natalie's group.
  The politics on Thor's homeland was complicated enough... The typical "land, blow up a little town, and people love this because Thor will punch them all in the chins".
 In fact, horrible scene where a 7-11 is kicked and explodes in fire. EXACTLY like in MAn of Steel. Combat is all the same...
  For the sake of watching films. Let's not critic the "who" the "where" and the "what". Let's just look at the scene by scene execution: Super human comes to earth - Woman involved that makes no sense on a level of "emotion". - Bad guy arrives. Towns blown up.
Over and over again. Same thing, just change actors and props. Remember films that tried Why not get the audience hooked on a believable character the uses real emotions to tell a story? The theme can rest simple, good vs bad. That is ok. And the use of earth and scaring us in our SUVS as we shop at Wal Mart is so lame.

Product placement is massively whored out during the battle scene in the village. EXACTLY like man of steel.
Donutland - USA TODAY - DR Pepper. - 7-11 -

(711 third pass)
(Dr. Pepper)
(USA Today)

Thor: "He has come to kill me. That will destroy this village. But we can get these people to safety"...Whoa!!! WHAT??? At what point did Thor fall in love with humans??? IS this ALL based on Natalie's flirtatious gests as she saw Thor shirtless??? other than that. Thor is portrait as a wreck less rouge who attacks without consideration in the first part of the film.
The entire reason he got banish. At what point did he learn his lesson? Was it when he ate Natalie's home made eggs? Was it when she hit him with a car? Was it when he went drinking with the older guy? Was it when he got attacked by the military?
Plot hole also. His brother half ling thing or whatever, comes to visit him in the government jail disguised as a military agent. So if that guy moves around Earth disguised as agents and uses fake ID and stuff...WTF is going on? why is he sending killer robots now?? He could have had the military re-arrest him. And then sneak in and kill him while he is hadn cuffed (why did he not do it earlier???)
I smell so much poo.

The stupid brainless friend of Natalie's has this wonderful line as a tornado opens up to teleport the killer robot thing: "IS some one else coming?". That is right, because the audience needs EXPLAINED every detail. The brains no longer function through imagery and logical connection.

Then she has this other little line as the city is about to be attacked: "Ok move it people"... wha...why did we just to a pan out zoom in shot of that...was it comical relief? Normally suspense build up is a better choice...I want to punch directors now.

The crew is being shot out of cafe windows. Blown through "main" street by some cheesy robot thing... No blood. Not even a scar..They just help the blasted "limp" away. I find it odd they also use military commands to order their friends around. Like in a zoom out shot of the road before the robot fires, you see no one, you just hear the voice piped in : "Fall back"!
As the space chick shouts to send the team back running before the robot shoots.

Thor does this little speech as he calmly walks up to the robot: "Brother I forgive you, but taking these lives of these people will gain you nothing. So I take mine..". Again, at what point did he come to this conclusion? At what point was it known that the robot is out to kill people??? Just because it blew up an EMPTY store (there is a shot of the store totally empty as a dr pepper sign and products are burned). And the 7-11 had no
people shown (just a parked SUV, GMC to be exact). We see NO DEATHS what so ever. No human is hurt. In fact, you saw Products...LABELS get burned. And THOR is giving his emotional heart felt speech about "people". This is kind of a sick siblimanl message. You hurt our Dr. Pepper! You hurt our Merican culture. DEY TURK UR JOBS! BLURRGGLGG! This movie has sunk and is no longer watchable at the 85 Min. Mark.
 Wasn't the robot after Thor and friends? Not the "people of earth"... that serve no purpose other than to drink soda and drive SUV"s? (GMC to be exact).
I say "mercan" culture also because they are really abusing the settings. They are using heart of American architecture (old style village buildings in wood like in West heritage areas and mid west). It is in the middle of the desert...but there are fake trees everywhere to "speak" to all regions XD.
Gives that "anonymous, yet American" feel to it.

HE gets hit by robot and flies THE SAME DISTANCE AS WHEN HE GETS HIT BY THE CAR IN THE START OF FILM! and only now is he hurt (first wound scene as well). Sad, dramatic music is piped in and slow motion of Natalie running to him...GAG KILL ME NOW!
HE says "it's over" and he DIES (just knocked out...waiting for a magic kiss by Natalie to bring him back). WAIT WHAT??? His friend got the mega blast of the robot and LIVED fine! Thor gets a little bitch slap like the car and "it's over"...I pity all who spent money on this. At this point you are paying for a producer to show you images that mock your intelligence.
This movie is not for kids. So that is not an excuse, unless your kid likes to see Thor half naked, adult themes, complicated space politics, military conspiracy groups, and villages burning to the ground. The themes are not even like "protect your brother". It is just cheap violence and explosions.
So in the teen realm, this could work, but they have video games with better story lines and graphics. IS this an adult realm? Am I the only adult that feels insulted to have my brain mocked at?? Why did this Piece of shit get enough funding to make a sequel???!!
(He is dead. Only his hammer decides to get it up, and brings the spark back in their relationship)

(Hey Natalie, should have gone with this hairy guy. He got a full laser blast to the FACE and blown out of a building and just limps away with no wounds. Real man, you wuss Thor. Considering the relationship between Natalie and Thor is a scene where he takes his shirt off...all this guy has to do is take it off and BAM! Earth BABES!)

Ok so it is not a kiss that brings him back, but a flash back to his fathers words as he speaks a spell into the hammer: "He shall posses this sword when whomever is deemed worthy". And so the sword...I am sorry, HAMMER! Get's unstuck, and fly's to THOR, bringing him back to life and defeating the robot...Wait...when did he become WORTHY???? By dying?? I am so confused...There was no moral or plot connection...
It is OK, there is a nice zoom up of Natalie's face smiling in joy because he is not dead... His armor magically floats to him and Natalie says "is this how you normally look?" "More or less"..."It's a good look"...Kill me.

This ENTIRE FILM when not on the computer graphic world of Thor, is entirely filmed in the desert...a barren boring ugly desert. The environment MAKES ZERO sense and a bad over all feel. In the start it is Thor vs Ice people...yes, an entire effort and budget was spent on creating a villains Ice world. By men who use Ice powers.
So these transitions into the desert, and tornadoes, and then the Thor's space land, then the Ice kingdom are so contrasting it leaves me feeling EMPTY. The biggest hurting point, that is fact and not my opinion, is that the desert leaves ALLOT of bland borders in each scene. The space between characters and buildings in the background is all dirty sand. Not the desert with cactus or dunes, but ugly back ass end of Los Angeles desert area.
It feels super low budget, but I have seen low budget do better that is what is killing me.

(Thor's Land)
(Earth. The entire location this film is shot in by the way)
(Ice planet...Seems like a great trio to bring together...oh don't think about it. LOOK AN EXPLOSION COOL: BOOOOMMM:)

The main bad guy gets betrayed by the betrayer (half brother thing). And he gets shot once by his magic staff...flys back, then the second zap, he turns into sparks and disappears. No disintegrating. No fade out. No corpse just laying there (like all the others)...nope..he gets a film 101 death of POOF sparks, and cur scene, remove body...WTF am I watching?

The battle between Loki (brother thing) and Thor has a little speech like this: Thor: "This is madness, this is MADNESS!" - Loki: "Is it? Is IT? What made you so soft? Was it that woman on Earth?....IT WAS! Maybe after this I will pay her a visit"...and they fight...Wait...what???? I am pretty sure it was known between the two it was because Loki betrayed the father, took the throne, and banished his friends...It was well established that this ENTIRE WEAK PLOT is woven together
with he theme of vengeance, not love. So, for the final battle to kick off with Loki confused at Thor's intentions, interpreting them to "that woman" is just a reminder that Natalie is this film and makes NO SENSE, as Thor has no scenes of "going soft". If Loki proposed that Thor rule with him, and Thor says "no": THEN I understand "going soft" accusations. But what is this out of context speech about??? IT has no meaning to the context of the film or anything that happened. This is a great example of a
stupid one liner dialog to engage in something as an excuse to execute a scene. It makes is not even passive, it is in your face "oh the audience is a brainless mob just eating popcorn to busy to notice we are using this...So let it run" sort of script writing. Hurts the ears, eyes, brain, buns (cuz I am sitting here).

So this big laser thing is destroying the alien ice world and Thor begins to smash the road/bridge to cut it off as the brother says: "There is nothing you can do!" 3 seconds later "What are you doing? If you destroy the bridge you will never see her again!". Apparently he is trying to pull at the emotional attachments of Thor. The odd thing is. The start of the film, Thor engaged in full battle to both murder the kind of the iceland, and make sure it dies out in the name of his Father's honor. The ice people were nothing but
bad news the entire film and enemy number one. WHY IS THOR concerned now that it is being destroyed by a laser, other than it was his brothers plan and not his????!!! We never see any emotional or plot line that leads to Thor needing to save this planet other than "because he is a good guy hyuk"...even if he is the good guy, we learn that the planet is nothing but evil so WTF really????
  I understand if this was like, a laser about to or in route to destroy earth, because we at least know he wants to bang Natalie...but this entire finally scene is caca stuck to toilet paper.
(Ok, notice the background? Dirty sand looking? that is the backdrop for every single earth scene. This is so odd, especially considering that Green Screens and mass editing is used in every other scene on the other planets. At what point did the directors decide "oh, that back drop, yeah let's leave it...")??!!

As the brothers are exploded into the dimensional space. The father some how comes back to life and saves them all by grabbing on to the boots of Thor. This leaves papa holding Thors boot, Thor holding on to Loki... Now the sacrafice. Will Loki be dropped into the nothing? There is a speech: "I did it father, I did it all for you (killing the bad guys, which, is why loki exists, to be half blue alien and half Asgardien as a secret weapon)
 "no loki, no" is all the father says, and Loki lets go and drops into a tornado. Ok, Problems. So Thor is sent on a mission to start and plans to kill off all the ice people. His father gets pissed sends him to Earth... Then the brother takes over and casts the father aside and yes, actually does do the mission and start the laser to kill off that planet... but both Thor and the father are not protecting it...All on the basis that Thor met Natalie on Earth...WTF really.
Physics, so the hammer can only be wielded by the designated user or it is to heavy to move. The father holds both Thor's leg, the hammer and the brother...righhtttt. And one of them have the strength to pull up...Loki falls in a tornado hole so he obviously is going to be on the second film. God no.

Weird cut back scene as Natalie feels like she has been ditched... the camera zooms out of the sky, space, and just into cosmic dust into Thor's land. So Thor's land is literally closer than the moon according to this cutback scene....

"You"ll be a wise king" says Thor's dad to Thor...How??? Why??? "I have much to learn, I know that now. Some day perhaps, I shall make you proud". He ate, drank, and saved the enemy... WTF is going on??? In fact, the first scene where he is battling the enemy face to face, should have been the LAST scene, and THEN that would have made sense. But since he got banished for doing his job is like whaaaa..

BEST last line: "How is she?" Thor asks the "gatekeeper of portals (tornado's). "She searches for you"...and Thor does gatekeeper know? Did he get a gate up and running? He is disposable, as is shown earlier, a post that can be fired at will...What???
So I guess they just hear the hum of Natalie's vibrator as she "searches for him" there because that would actually makes more sense.

1 comment:

Cacalips said...

Man of Steel 711 scene